Old Dogs and Blue Leopards
Not only can old dogs learn new tricks but leopards can also change their spots. You don’t believe me? I tell you it is true. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. For you see, I am that old dog leaping backwards over an inflamed barrel. I’m also the blue leopard with big orange polka dots.
I describe myself as born backward—one foot first, and left-handed—and seem to have done most things backward ever since. At seventeen, and still a high school junior, I married a preacher and soon became known as the preacher’s wife. Today, it is difficult to imagine a girl, barely 17, take on that responsibility—a kid playing grown up. But I sailed along just fine, any answer I needed given to me by my husband. He even gave answers to many questions I never asked.
I started college as a forty-year-old freshman and in a few short years gained a degree in sociology, a master’s in educational psychology, and then a divorce! Five years later, I got engaged, bought a house, took a honeymoon in Hawaii, and married in Las Vegas on the way home.
You still with me so far on this backwards thing?
After many years working in the human services field, I retired and took on a whole new career—I wrote a mystery book that led to the Sidra Smart Mystery Series, along with a cookbook to match. I wrote the award-winning A War Of Her Own, a historical novel set in Texas during WWII, and now, my recently released contemporary novel, Original Cyn—and most recently The Painted Ladies.
I write strong women. Why? I’ve realized that writing is my passion, but writing strong women is REALLY my passion. So, I might write mystery, historical fiction, and contemporary, but whatever I write, it features a strong woman. Of course the character likely won’t start out that way, but by the time I’m through with her, I guarantee you, she will be. My latest, Original Cyn, takes on a controversial subject relevant to societal discussions today. It is my first attempt to write on a topic that I know many will object to, and that’s just the way it goes. Standing in my power. Speaking truth to power.
Think that’s a reflection of my life? You bet your bottom patootie it is.
One thing I’ve learned is it makes no difference whether you live your life backwards or forwards, the important thing is that you LIVE IT. And never say, never. Never not do something—anything, because you think you’re too old, too dumb, too smart, too whatever.
If you want to do it, go for it.
Think about your decision-making. Look at how your actions are swayed, or not swayed, by praise or censure. Evaluate your wisdom–your heart.
When we do, I think we take another step to being a truly wise person, and our actions reflect such.
The lessons you come into this world to learn will present themselves to you over and over again until you learn them. Once you have, then you will continue to the next lesson
Thinking about this lesson later this morning I thought of one of my lessons that I have learned that I do not have to repeat. That is allowing people to talk to me in a way that I do not deserve.
When I encounter someone who speaks to me in a rude, abusive, or controlling way, giving me orders when they have no right to do so, I learned to say to them, “I do not talk to people that way, and I will not allow you to talk to me that way.”
Once, I was walking down the street of a small town when a stranger yelled at me, saying, “Stop. Do NOT walk down that street.”
I didn’t know the man from Adam, and turned to him and said, “Is that a please?”
“Oh, please, yes, please, ma’am. We are filming a movie and you were walking right into it. But that was rude of me. I should have asked please.”
My husband marveled at my immediate response. I hadn’t even stopped to wonder who the man was or why he didn’t want me to walk that way. I simply knew I deserved to be asked in a polite, courteous manner. My husband has bragged about that so many times over the years.
I don’t know where my response came from, but it did teach me that is one lesson I have learned. That I deserve to be treated with the same courtesy and respect I give others, and I do not have to settle for anything less than that.
When we know we are worth more, we have learned that lesson well.
Act Like A Lady
Who in the world coined this edict in the first place and why did Steve Harvey or his publisher, choose that outdated term for the title of his latest book? I suggest the more appropriate title of Act Like a Woman, Think Like a Man.
I, for one, am tired of the staid, boring, limited, constrained, unnatural, inauthentic, affected behavior of acting. What, I ask, is wrong with a woman being a woman.
Acting connotes phoniness, pretend, trying to be someone we aren’t, a role we assume while on a stage. To call someone a lady is editorializing, describing a behavior. At times I act like a lady, but it is not who I am. I am a woman who is not required to always act like a lady. Similarly, a man is a man who does not always act like a gentleman.
I speak from experience, for I pretended to be someone other than myself for way too many years and almost lost the woman behind the mask. Today I focus on being me.
I am not opposed to a woman acting like a lady under certain circumstances. Say, when she visits the Queen, the quintessential ‘Lady.’ Or when she gets invited to the Whitehouse to meet the President and his wife who, according to her title, must first and foremost ‘be a lady.’ God I hope she has time to not be!
One of my pet peeves is names on bathroom doors that inform one restroom is for LADIES and the other for MEN! Why, I ask you, must women be a lady to use that restroom when men are not expected to act like a gentleman to use theirs?
Fair is fair. It should either be MEN and WOMEN or GENTLEMEN and LADIES.
The Dance Of The Rubber Band
Think about it. A rubber band is of benefit only when it holds sufficient tension around two or more things. Wind it too tightly and it will break.
When I conducted private practice couples counseling, I often wrapped a large rubber band around each of their hands to demonstrate this metaphor.
Put one end of the band around your left hand and the other end around your right.
If it is loose pull both hands back and see what happens. Yes, the tension on the band grows tighter the further you pull.
Because of this discomfort, you move your left hand closer to the right. The tension eases. The band becomes slack and useless, so the right hand moves back further to regain the tension. And the left hand, uncomfortable, moves in on the right again.
So begins the Dance of the Rubber Band.
For the rubber band to be of any use, tension must be placed on both ends. But if it is pulled too tightly, the tension becomes uncomfortable and with increasing pressure, will break. To keep that from happening, often one hand moves forward to ease the tension and the other hand moves away–hence the dance.
But if both hands continue to pull back, what happens? Yes, the band eventually breaks.
Now, take this same example and use it as a metaphor in your relationships. This is where the Dance of the Rubber Band comes to life. What happens when, say, a wife feels neglected by her husband, thinking he doesn’t show her enough attention? She demands more— steps closer. She complains, she pouts, she acts aloof. When that happens, what might he do? Yes, likely feeling attacked, he gets defensive and takes a couple of steps back, either figuratively or literally.
What does she do? Steps closer.
Back and forth they dance, too little tension, then too much tension.
If there is no tension on the rubber band, it serves no useful purpose. If there is too much tension, in time, the band breaks.
Of equal importance are two needy people each enmeshed in the other. One person takes a step forward and the other steps forward until there is absolutely no space between the two. The rubber band—read, relationship—falls away.
The goal is to keep enough tension on the band to make it useful. When one person pulls away from you, don’t go forward. Instead, take a step back, and often the other will take a step forward. This creates a more balanced relationship.
What about you? Have you noticed how, if you step forward, your partner steps back? Have you been tempted to step in even closer? Resist. Keep a comfortable tension on the relationship so beneficial conversation can begin.
Practice the dance and see if it improves your relationships
